New York iPod Law

Dr. Plume,

      I read recently that New York City wants to require people to remove iPod headphones while crossing at a crosswalk. Is there any scientific basis for such a law?

                                                                             -Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious,

      I noticed you have decided to remain anonymous here. You certainly have selected an appropriate psuedonym, because it's been my experience that most things in Connecticut ARE curious. (And I mean that in the sense of “strange” and not “inquisitive”. It's a homonym.)
      I, too, read about this recent piece of potential legislation and have found that there is little scientific precedent for it. After a number of elaborate experiments, I have discovered that iPods do not impair your vision at all. And vision, I decided, is the primary sense involved in street crossing.
      Some may contest that they've seen an overweight friend race across a street towards the smell of a hot dog or a kinnish, but I try to avoid using fat people in my experiments.
      In one experiment, I commissioned the assistance of my cousin, Elvis Plume, whom I asked to cross a street 11 different times while listening to varying musical genres at multiple volumes. Only once did he fail to cross the street, but it was only because he wouldn't budge until I agreed to email him my mp3 of "Rhythm is a Dancer."
      There is some legal precedent for this proposed law, however. In 1895, a similar law was passed in the state of New York when a young woman named Rosemary Hollandaise was tragically struck and killed by a Wells Fargo wagon on Lexington Avenue in a rupture of woodchips, horseshoes, and low interest bonds. Witnesses say she didn't notice the wagon because was too busy listening to a song called “Start the Horseless Carriage” on her phonograph.
      Thus, the state of New York banned residents from crossing the street while listening to a phonograph, although I think this had more to do with how distracting it is to carry an object of such girth as a phonograph and less to do with how distracting it was for Rosemary to be listening and, presumably, singing along to “Start the Horseless Carriage,” an extremely catchy tune by no stretch of the imagination. Particularly the version she was listening to at the time, which was chock full of lascivious discussion of inappropriate things like “kissing” and “necks.”
      In the 21s Century, this song would be rerecorded by R. Kelly under the title “Ignition.”
      All in all, I do not find scientific precedent for this newly proposed law, but do find legal standing for it. If this new law bothers you, feel free to stay in Connecticut where you can avoid such laws and continue to be "curious" (weird) just like the rest of your state.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*