Odd Astronaut Behavior

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I recently read this news story about a female astronaut who was arrested for attempted kidnapping. I thought it was especially weird that she wore diapers the whole drive. Why did this astronaut woman go crazy like that?

                                                                             Ryan in Norman, OK
Dear Ryan,

      During reentry, the extreme g-forces have an effect on the brain that our scientists cannot seem to explain. The stress on the synapses seems to stimulate of the link between adulthood and childhood causing astronauts to slowly revert back to their infancy. For example:
      John Glenn spent his entire post-flight physical inquiring about lollipops.
      Buzz Aldrin would only go to the beach dressed as the Coppertone girl.
      Kathryn Thorton was taken an astronaut-record 8 times to the hospital for swallowing Monopoly pieces.
      Neil Armstrong had his home constructed by Fisher-Price.
      The Apollo 9 crew refused to swim to a safety boat after their aquatic landing until someone tossed them a set of Water Wings.
      After James Lovell was arrested in a very troubling attempted breastfeeding incident, NASA began an aggressive new re-entry program to help astronauts better assimilate back into regular life. The principle is to counteract the infantile relapses using the opposite conditioning.
      Astronauts are fed a steady diet of prune juice, sugar-free soda, and metamucil. They are forced to go to sleep at 8 pm and awake at 6 am to wash their cars. During the night, they are forced to wake up and go to the bathroom seven or eight times. While awake, each astronaut must watch several episodes of Murder She Wrote, sit through a Hallmark Channel original movie, and read an entire large-print issue of Reader's Digest. Dinner is served at 4:30 and, throughout the meal, the soundtrack of the film Easter Parade, starring Judy Garland and Fred Astaire, is played on loop and the astronauts are encouraged to complain to each other about how “vegetables don't have the same taste anymore.”
      The astronauts are forced to take courses on needlepoint, proper coupon usage, and how to drive poorly. As a final exam, they must look at a photo array of their extended family and, for each person, decide which popular 1940's actor they resemble.
      So, I guess the moral is: don't become an astronaut. Even if you really like baby food and are looking for an excuse, it's far easier to just be a weirdo who buys a lot of baby food than to go through all the aeronautical training that becoming an astronaut requires.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*