Toast Around the World

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I really like butter on toast. Do the girls in other countries that are not America also like to put butter on their toast?

                                                                             -Liz in Champagne, IL
Dear Liz,

      It's rare that I receive breakfast-related questions. This probably has something to do with most people realizing that, given the opportunity to ask one of the most knowledgeable scholars in the country a question, they should probably ask about something of importance and not about toppings for cooked bread.
      I have created a list for you outlining some countries I have visited where I have taken note of the spreads commonly used on toast by young girls.

Canada: Margarine – They prefer the taste of butter, but more so enjoy knowing they are eating more healthily than the average American.
France: Syrup – They love syrup on French toast. Sometimes they will also use Bleu Cheese. Not for taste, but because they just love to say "bleu" over and over.
Germany: Gelvei – A combination of mustard and smaller, weaker Germans.
Italy: Mozzarella – Italian girls will take any opportunity to turn something they're eating into a pizza. I once saw an orphan girl put cheese and sauce on and eat a donated copy of Dennis Rodman's autobiography, Bad as I Wanna Be.
Australia: Vegemite – No one in Australia had heard of Vegamite until it was made famous by the song “Land Down Under” by Men at Work. Now, they can't get enough.
Denmark: Nothing – They don't eat toast in Denmark, obviously. They eat Danishes.
Brazil: Manteiga – Served primarily around Carnival, it is the ashes of burned rainforest.
Cuba: Mantequilla – One of the crippling sanctions placed by the US has been a restriction on butter imports. So instead they use a liquid called “mantequilla,” made from the frustrated dreams of talented young baseball players who'll never play in America.
Russia: Maslo – A bland white substance that is basically just vodka and snow.
Korea: Ha! – Young girls in this country are too busy for toast. They're all either studying to become scientists or training in a Winter Olympic event.

      The list goes on, but that should be enough. Keep those intellectually stimulating queries coming my way, Liz.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*