Webbed Hands and Feet

Dr. Plume,

      Is it possible for humans to have webbed hands and feet? I got to thinking about this after I watched Creature from the Black Lagoon, a highly underrated sci-fi movie.

                                                                             -Vince in Tuscon, AZ
Dear Vince,

      Having seen Creature from the Black Lagoon, I can confidently say that this film is quite appropriately rated. Especially if most people have rated it from “poor” to “shitty”.
      I am, however, glad you asked this question, because I have, for the past several years been engaged in a heated debate with my cousin that had originally arisen from another film. Elvis Plume—my aunt was a big fan of “the king” as well as a frequent substance abuser, hence my cousin's debacle of a name and his accompanying criminal record—has continued to assert that it is possible to have webbed hands and feet after seeing the film Waterworld, which has also been appropriately rated by the domestic and foreign press as “a piece of crap” (another claim Elvis refutes).
      It got rather embarrassing when, at a meet and greet following a screening of Open Range, Elvis approached Mr. Costner and asked him how he was able to hold the prop handguns seen in the film with his webbed hands.
      I had told Elvis 37 times beforehand that it's genetically impossible for humans to have webbed hands and feet because of natural selection. The last documented group of humans to have webbed hands and feet were a small tribe of amphibious Chileans. Actually, this particular tribe would later serve as the inspiration for scuba gear. It's all right there in Darwin's Origin of the Species.
      I mean, Elvis SHOOK his hand. His very not-webbed hand.
      I swear, I think I'm going to have to find some kind of Zoo Book to explain these facts of nature to my delinquent cousin.
      I'm not even certain we are of the same blood. Truth be told, Elvis did undergo a serious blood transfusion after surviving an attack during his tenure at a nearby penitentiary. Who knows who's blood that was. Perhaps a complete dunce decided to donate some of his dumb blood on the way to, you know, some unbearably brutish display of anti-intellectualism, like a monster truck rally or any opera performed in English.
      I should point out that some people have argued that having webbed feet is possible, claiming that they have webbed toes. It's my understanding that the scientific name for individuals like these is “liar.”

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*