Air Conditioner

Dear Dr. Plume,

      Did Thomas Jefferson or Thomas Edison invent the air conditioner? Me and my cousin have a bet about it.

                                                                             -Rory in Topeka, KS
Dear Rory,

      I think what happened here is that someone got some names confused. I believe you or your cousin—you did not specify which of the two men you selected—mixed up Thomas Jefferson with Benjamin Franklin (a common mistake in my experience).
      Ah yes, the age old debate: Ben Franklin or Thomas Edison? Who truly invented the air conditioner? Well, let me settle this once and for all. It was Thomas Edison.
      In 1742, while Thomas Edison was working on the first draft of an ultimately doomed Articles of Confederation, he and Lewis and Clark got into a heated debate about whether or not it was possible to cool down the entire house simply by opening up the refrigerator for a long time (Sacajawea had introduced the famous explorers to “smokable herbs” during their much publicized adventure, which explains this unorthodox logic).
      Of course, upon trying out this refrigerator hypothesis, their grand experiment failed and several jars of milk were rendered undrinkable. Edison decided to up the ante and, with government funds, purchased 50 more refrigerators in an even more extravagant attempt to refrigerate his home.
      Well, congress got pretty upset when they found out, because that money was originally earmarked to cure polio. A national bank had yet to be set up and the new government's entire budget was kept in a shoe box under George Washington's bed. In 1743, Edison left the Articles of Confederation to pursue this “air conditioner” invention and, two months later, Lewis and Clark were removed from the project when, having been asked to submit the most recent draft of the Articles, they accidentally turned in a grocery list of 18th century snack foods.
      Ben Franklin did invent a lot of things, though, including bifocals, the glass harmonica, the catheter, origami, felt, calypso music, and the expression, “Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.” Thomas Jefferson didn't invent anything except the $2 bill and UVA, two things I could frankly do without. But those are stories for another day. I hope you won the bet, Rory.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*