Gender Changing Frogs

Dear Dr. Plume

      I recently read this news article, from the Agence France-Presse, claiming that some frogs have actually changed genders after being exposed to air pollutants. Is it possible for this to happen to humans too?!?!?!

                                                                             -Gary in Seattle, WA
Dear Gary,

      While I did take a number of courses about punctuation usage and have edited two books solely about this symbol: ~, I was thoroughly stumped trying to gauge the exact emotion of your question via your overeager usage of the question mark and exclamation point.
      Are you excited about the prospect of having your gender changed by pollutants? Are you eager to avoid the monetary expenses of having a procedure performed surgically if there is a possibility you can just go stand in a field near some toxic refinery?
      Or does the idea frighten you? Are you terrified that you will return from a long day of fishing in a factory run-off and you'll find that your genitalia has been inverted?
      While neither interpretation has any bearing on my answer, I feel I have a professional obligation to get to the bottom of this. If you are happy about this potential gender reassignment, I must completely support you because of the honorary degree I received from Mount Holyoke College. But I must simultaneously condemn your decision as per the conditions of my honorary degree from Bob Jones University.
      This whole frog situation should not be news to anyone. Androgynous frogs were a central part of the plot in Jurassic Park. Michael Crichton, author of the book based on the movie, explains how frog DNA allowed the dinosaurs to change gender and run amok. Although, anyone with half a brain could see that “amok” behavior was inevitable with an island populated entirely by females. “Good luck with that!” I sarcastically shouted upon learning this fact in the first few minutes of the film, much to the displeasure of the lesbian couple seated to my left.
      After the film, I learned the couple were newlyweds. Again, my dual degree situation became a source of confusion as I was professionally obliged to both congratulate them and then denounce their “lifestyle of sin.”
      I would not get too excited (or alarmed) because this phenomenon is limited to amphibians and there is zero scientific evidence of another species undergoing gender metamorphosis.
      (I recall reading an article once about a pair of giraffes who had mysteriously changed genders in a St. Louis area zoo, but my suspicions proved correct when it was revealed that the zookeeper in charge of examining each animal's gender was, at best, a highly underqualified zoologist or, at worst, an incredible idiot. Or perhaps he or she was just very short.)
      So don't worry about it. Only amphibians need to worry. And, for the most part, they don't have access to Agence France-Presse news articles. They also engage in external fertilization, which in the words of my cousin, Elvis Plume, “sucks for them.”
      Good luck with the procedure, Gary. Or...good luck with your continuing satisfied life as a man.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*