A Jellyfish Sting

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I have just received a terrible terrible jellyfish sting. I'm trying to avoid steep medical expenses, like going to the hospital. Do you know any good remedies for jellyfish stings? Not to rush you, but I may pass out soon, so a quick reply would be much appreciated.

                                                                             -Steven in Daytona, FL
Dear Steven,

      I rushed back from a class I was teaching at the local community college when I received your email on my blackberry. Although, since this won't be posted until Monday, my hasty return may have been for naught.
      Before I can help you, we must estimate whether you were attacked by a common jellyfish or by a Portuguese Man-o-war. There are three easy ways to determine this:

- Was the Jellyfish/Man-o-war talking in a language that sounded like Spanish, but was not quite Spanish? Kind of a more mumbling version of Spanish?
- Before the attack, did the jellyfish/Man-o-war abruptly seem to take up a noticeably elitist attitude at the mere mention of Brazil?
- Did the Jellyfish/Man-o-war have any foreign currency or carry any identification suggesting citizenship in the country of Portugal?

      Once you've determined the species, just follow these simple steps:

1. Get out of the water.
2. For Jellyfish – Spread peanut butter all over the inflamed area. This will neutralize the poisonous jelly of the jelly-fish. For serious stings, add fluff as a natural antiseptic.
For Man-o-war - Pour any Goya product all over the area. Preferably a liquid, but black beans will work too.
3. Do not run, walk, stand, skip, sit, or lay for at least two days.
4. You may wish to file a police report after the attack, but don't get frustrated and shout, “They all look the same!” You will look like a bigot.
5. If you were stung by a Man-o-war, you may, for a period of three weeks, feel a strange temptation to cheer for sports player Luis Figo. Resist this temptation. He's sort of over the hill now and you will have both a sore injury and a general feeling of disappointment.

      I'm glad I could be of help. I guess the price of visiting a hospital in this country has gotten pretty out of hand when you have to turn to the internet for matters like these. Good luck with your wounds.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*