Elderly in the Workforce

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I was a big fan of your site, until I read last week's article. As an elderly person, I was shocked and appalled at your statement about how people like me shouldn't be in the workforce. I'm old and I'm still employed just fine. Shame on you, Dr. Plume. Shame on you.

                                                                             -Gerald in Portland, ME
Dear Gerald,

      Sorry to see that you are so disappointed in my stance on the decrepit sharing office space with energetic and productive employees. I received nearly 100 e-mails and even some stamped letters about that one line in last week's post. Well, here are just a few reasons why I recommend mandatory retirement for the elderly:
      Old people have to apply so many medicated cremes that their coworkers risk severe asphyxiation. Not to mention that most older women still use perfumes from the middle of the last century containing numerous chemicals now banned by the FDA.
      Most young employees take it for granted that they grew up in a technologically advanced generation. When most of these older employees were growing up, they didn't even have Windows XP. Often, they would have to save their rudimentary data on something called a “floppy disk” that, as I understand, actually was floppy.
      Companies are at constant risk of legal action should an old employee suffer a serious injury while performing simple tasks like changing an ink cartridge (If they even know what that is). Many opponents of mine shout two words at me: “bionic limbs.” Yeah, well, since those won't be available to the public for at least 10 more years, I hardly find that a suitable solution.
      Modern business language has changed so drastically that older employees regularly confuse youthful coworkers with nonsensical phrases like: “Confound it! I can't concentrate with all that hullabaloo and jungle music!” or “Anyone want to stop off with me at the filling station for some bric-a-brac and a sarsaparilla?”
      Really, there are only a few careers where the hiring of older employees is acceptable: professional tellers of long pointless stories, coupon designers, very low impact aerobics instructors, and representatives from professional craps player associations.
      Some of my opponents argue that I'm “unfair” because many older people nowadays don't have the finances to retire. In my industry, this argument is called “proving my point for me.” If you've proven you can't plan for your own retirement, how can you be trusted to plan anything for another person's business? You can't.
      In fact, Gerald, when I reach old age in the near future, I would invite you to personally to come to my office and escort me out of the building.
      “Let's go! Remember what you said?!” you would yell. I would remember and I would reply, “Fine, but get your smelly, old-man hands off of me!” A scuffle would ensue in which, thanks to our old age, we would both suffer serious injuries to our hips. Luckily, I would just replace my hip with a bionic one and return briefly to my office to collect all 17 Nobel prizes I will have collected by that time.
      So bring it on Gerald! Also, you should quit your current job for the above reasons.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*