The Flinstones

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I grew up an avid fan of The Flinstones. I was always particularly intrigued by the way Fred would use his feet to stop the speeding car in the opening credits, but I recently tried this with an old Ford I found at a junkyard that was missing it’s floor and, not only did it not work, but it also destroyed a pair of Airwalks and nearly killed some pedestrians. What gives?

                                                                             Todd in Glascow, TX
Dear Todd,

      I too grew up a big fan of The Flinstones and, like you and most of America, took the content of the show to be a matter of historical fact. But as grown-up, intelligent individual with several advanced degrees, I can say for certain that there’s no way a real-life Fred Flinstone would have been able to stop a moving car by simply planting his feet on the ground. The frequency with which Fred performed this maneuver would have caused severe damage to the soles of his feet leading to many things, but with a “gay old time” not being among them.
      I suppose if one assumed the writers had interpreted the prehistoric phrase “Yabadabadoo”—the word’s true definition lost millenniums ago—to mean “please call a doctor, I have severely damaged my feet and need emergency surgery to repair them,” then there would at least be an attempt at accuracy. I mean, anyone in Bedrock could easily track Fred home every day simply by following the long trail of blood, skin, and metatarsal fragments.
      Indeed, while doing intense research for my doctorate in prehistoric humanoid studies at Texas Christian University—a course of study I was unable to complete due to a frivolous “dispute” with Student Services regarding my “enrollment status” at that particular “university”—I discovered that many, if not all, the prehistorical suppositions made by the producers of The Flinstones are severely misguided.
      For example:
- Brontosauruses were not employed by humans as cranes in construction yards and quarries (They were mainly used for tree trimming and stoplight hanging).
- Saber-toothed tigers did not generally sneak into your home only to be thrown out the window (They mauled people).
- Prehistoric peoples did not go to drive-in movies. (The medium of film wasn’t invented until 1974.)
- When you pulled on a bird’s tail, it did not sound like a train horn. (It sounded like an angry bird that just had its tail pulled on by some idiot.)
      I hope that the next time you think about reenacting something you saw on The Flinstones, you yabadabadon’t! (You can thank a seminar I took on clever wordplay for that stroke of comedy genius.) Also, please stop sending me questions about the scientific accuracy of The Jetsons. It was a fictional cartoon about the future. Thank you.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*