How to Write a Cover Letter without Sounding Like A Jerk

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I want a new job. How do you write a good cover letter without sounding like a dick. Thanks.

                                                                             -Sergio in Newton, MA
Dear Sergio,

      I think I have been clear that this is not an advice column. This is a resource for factual information. I will, however, answer your question this time, because year after year I see my students struggling with this.
      So here is how to write a cover letter .... without, as you so “eloquently” put it, sounding like a “dick”:
      Most career advisers will suggest a simple three paragraph formula for cover letters. These people are idiots. I've found, the most effective formula contains five paragraphs.
      Immediately, you want to make a strong, positive impression on your potential employer. So don't waste time with formalities, right off the bat state your greatest personal characteristic. To balance that out, back it up with a negative characteristic. Then state the position for which you are applying. Here is an example from an old cover letter of mine (this was before I gained international renown and companies began soliciting me to fill their vacant positions):
“Dear Sir or Madam:
      I wish to inform you that I have a staggeringly high IQ. But you should know that, in everything I do, I also have the tendency to strive almost too hard to attain a mythical level of greatness. This is why I must recommend myself for the position of evening cashier.”
      See what I did? I started out with a bang and then brought everyone back down to earth with a character flaw I struggled to identify about myself. Then, I explained that I would be good at ringing up produce after 5pm.
      In paragraph two, it's time for business. Gain credence by listing all post-graduate degrees you've attained, spilling on to a second page if necessary.
      In paragraph three, write a vivid description of any performed feats of physical strength. Here's another example from an old cover letter I dug up:
      “I have, on two occasions, lifted the front end of a sedan style automobile to a height of seven inches above the driveway. Additionally, once, while accompanying a children's tour group through Yellowstone national park, I was forced to subdue a wild boar who had made an aggressive stance towards a young girl. Knowledge of her safety allowed me to disregard the lacerations I incurred wrestling the beast and the screaming of the children.”
      In paragraph four, reassure the reader that you are not rude or egotistical. Provide a story illustrating a time when could have been a jerk in the workplace but, instead, were polite. (This is where you verify that you are not “a dick.”) My example:
      “Once, I bumped into a female coworker in a very indecent manner. She was attractive. Rather than stating one of the brash comments that came to mind, I instead offered to at least buy her dinner the next time.”
      In the final paragraph, tell the person how they can reach you and list any items you've included with your resume, which, in my case, was a recent photo, a resume, a certification of having achieved the rank of green belt in Aikido, a list of books I've read, and a photocopy of my bicep.
      Other advice: Don't pander. Don't talk about past conquests of women. Never assume the gender or race of the person reading the cover letter. Do NOT allude to any lessons learned during time you spent in a correctional facility. Do use wingdings. Do not use stickers.
      Good luck on the job hunt, Sergio.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*