That "Make It Rain" Rap Song

Dear Dr. Plume,

      My 13 year old daughter loves the song “Make it Rain” by a boy named “Lil' Wayne” and another gentleman going by the moniker “Fat Joe.” I would like to tell her to not listen to this song because of it's offensive nature, but frankly I have no idea what they are “singing” about. They could be talking about sunshine and lollipops for all I know. Is this an area of your expertise?

                                                                             -Sandra from Milwaukee, WI
Dear Sandra,

      Indeed, I do consider this an area of expertise as I hold a degree of Urban Studies obtained from the University of Cleveland with a special emphasis in modern hip-hop.
      Before we begin, I have two corrections for your question.
      First of all, Mr. Wayne and Mr. Joe are not singing. They are doing something our children call “rapping” which is just talking quickly, sometimes with rhyming words.
      Second, resist the temptation to believe that “rapping” songs might be about something innocuous like sunshine or lollipops, because most of these songs are about far less innocuous things like drugs, sex, and large hubcaps. Comparing Mr. “Lil” Wayne and Mr. “Fat” Joe to Leslie Gore, singer of “Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows,” is like comparing Joe Francis, creator of Girls Gone Wild, to corny film director Frank Capra.
      Using the neo-textual analysis I developed at U of Cleveland, I have created this partial translation of the song “Make it Rain” with the original lyrics in italics.

[Lil Wayne]
Yeah I'm in this business of terror
I'm doing this as part of a financial arrangement with hip-hop corporation “Terror Squad”
Got a handful of stacks, better grab an umbrella
I have a large quantity of cash and you should preemptively take out an umbrella
I make it rain (I make it rain)
I will throw legal tender into the air for the purpose of publicly flaunting my wealth
I make it rain on them hoes
Particularly, I will toss money at women whom I consider to be of ill-repute

[Fat Joe]
You hear the Echo, man I seen the best go, you seen how that metal
Heed my repeated warnings because, in the past, others of high standing have not
I'm a hustla's hustla, a pusher's pusher
Of con-artists, I am the best and I am also the best drug dealer
You a busta a custerma, I get you some cooka
If you have a significant amount of disposable income, I can provide high quality narcotics
Yea crack is a chemist, I pack a 11
Smokable cocaine is available in quantities
I mack in a 7, I'll clap at your reverend
(Your guess is as good as mine here but I imagine this has little to do with applauding clergymen)
I see you in NY, I'll send you an invite
I will inform you when I return to New York City
You gon need you a pass, that's the code that we live by
There will probably be a password necessary to visit the club we socialize at because so much illegal activity will be transpiring

[Fat Joe]
Oww clap clap clap gotta make that ass clap gotta make that ass clap
Please dance up and down so quickly that the cheeks of your rear end bounce against each other creating an audible noise

      Now, I don't want to say that your daughter regularly participates in any of the above described activities, but I'd err on the safe side and prohibit her from fraternizing with other young girls who condone this behavior, anyone with an entourage, and NFL defensive back Adam “Pac-Man” Jones.
      I'm glad to see you've taken the initiative here, for defending the ears of our young people is tough work. I additionally suggest you prohibit your daughter from exposure to any “music” produced by other “artists” with nicknames that include “lil,” “ice,” or “snoopy.”
      Best of luck.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*