Commencement Ceremonies

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I just got back from my grandson’s college graduation and, boy, was it boring. I’m sure you’ve been to a few ceremonies yourself, what inspiring moments have you experienced first hand?

                                                                             Donna in Indianapolis, IN
Dear Donna,

      Congratulations on your grandson’s graduation. It was, I imagine, the second most proud you will ever be of him. (The first being when he publishes his first work of scholarly research or, if you have lesser standards, has a child.)
      Yes, I have seen and heard a number of incredible things at the, literally, hundreds of commencement ceremonies I’ve been forced to attend as both a receiver of advanced degrees and collegiate professor. I have heard generals, athletes, politicians, actors, CEOs, foreign leaders, and even the president of a chain of used car dealerships impart “words of wisdom” to the graduates of countless colleges. Here are the things that stuck out most in my mind about those commencement exercises:
      - It rained during 23 of them, and, unfortunately, during only 5 of those was I properly equipped with an umbrella. (For the record: I do not believe in ponchos. Only once have I been partially enclosed in a garbage bag and it is a situation in which I intend to never again find myself.)
      - I keep a small notebook with me for the sole purpose of counting the number of undergraduates I have seen slip and fall down the stairs after receiving a diploma. My current tally is 97. The academic in me wants to attribute this to the utter glee of receiving one’s first diploma, but the realist in me attributes this to cheap beer and a poorly instilled sense of moderation.
      - I have written 14 sets of lyrics to the tune of “Pomp and Circumstance”. Among them, this is my favorite:
“I hate stupid graduations.
I wish they were way short-er.
I hate stupid graduaaaaaaaations.
I’m certain these kids are drunk.”
      - On two occasions, I have worn every stole, cord, and cap that I have received during my long career in academics. Many people have asked why I would attempt this a second time if, during the first occasion, my humongous layering of attire caused the knocking over of two teleprompters, the upturn of a set of decorative plants, and a small fire. I tell them I would have tried it even more times had I not received a citation from a fire marshal.
      - I have seen a total of 17 fistfights occur. 15 inter-graduate. 2 inter-familial. None inter-racial, which is a miracle as I was present the year Cal Tech declared it would cease accepting non-Asian students.
      - I have been hit in the face 3 times by recklessly tossed mortarboards.
      - I have been shooshed 12 times for booing a student-athlete receiving a diploma.
      - I was, at four ceremonies, told to “please put out that cigarette.” Two of those scoldings was followed by a brief elitist speech about the dangers of tobacco smoke. One of those times was, ironically, during my receipt of a degree in pulmonary medicine.
      - I was only once told that “Audibly munching on Funions is undignified at a commencement ceremony.”
      - The best commencement address I heard included the phrase, “You take what you can get because life aint easy when a bird in the hand equals two in the bush” and was delivered by Patrick Kelly, the nation’s most distinguished publisher of cliché research.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*