Scientific Theories You Should Not Believe In

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I was watching the Republican presidential debate last week and I noticed that 3 candidates raised their hands indicating they did not believe in evolution. You are a man of science, do you believe in evolution?

                                                                             -Jake in Detroit, MI
Dear Jake,

      I was quite proud to see the candidates stand up to the juggernaut that is the scientific establishment. The very cornerstone of their efforts to suppress dissenting opinions is the theory of evolution. Like the Republican candidates, I too do not believe in the theory of evolution. However, I do not believe in creationism either.
      I actually subscribe to a third theory, which is the theory of devolution, which states that we actually DEvolved from species of higher intelligence. It's incredibly complicated, and I will elaborate another time.
      The point I would like to make here, though, is that the theory of evolution is just that: a theory. The word theory has the exact same meaning in every field of knowledge: a complete guess. (read more here).
      Here are some other theories I do not subscribe to:
      The Aristotelian theory of gravity – anybody who's spent 20 seconds comparing Aristotles theory of gravity with Galileo's Ptolemaic Cosmological theory can plainly see that Aristotle was an idiot.
      The big bang theory – Come now. Let's apply common sense to this supposedly “complicated” theory about the universe. Have you ever blown anything up? In chemistry class, I once facilitated the exploding of several glass beakers in an attempt to impress a young woman. After the explosion, only some shattered glass was left, much less the beginnings of a universe.
      Irrelevantly, the young lass refused to accompany me on a date until many months later when my relentless advances had taken their toll and my eyebrows had fully grown back. Up until then, I had resorted to using a number of Loreal makeup products in an attempt to look normal again. Twas an effort that proved wholly unsuccessful as, most days, my lack of experience with an eyebrow pencil rendered me in either a constant state of anger or surprise.
      Theory of Dinosaurs – Obviously, I am not referring to the historic existence of dinosaurs (that debate was settled three or four years ago). No, I am, of course, referring to the widespread theory that the short-lived sit-com “Dinosaurs” was a good television show. This program was terrible.
      I mean, the father was a megalosaur, the wife was an allosaur, the daughter was a triceratops, the son was a tyrannosaur, and who knows what the hell that baby was supposed to be. Some kind of screwed up archeopteryx maybe.
      That would be like if you were Hispanic and your wife was a gorilla and your son was an orangutan and your daughter was a baboon. And then your baby was a butterball turkey that never shut up.
      The whole thing never sat well with me.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*