Dr. Douglas H. Plume's Fountain of Genius!

Where Shorts Come From

2007-06-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Pluume,

      Who invented shorts? That is all.

                                                 Lance in Winston-Salem, NC
Dear Lance,

      Shorts, eh? Skirts for men I call them. Nothing masculine about that. I’ve always said, the best way to judge a man is by his pants. And if you’re wearing shorts, there’s no way for me to judge you.
      That’s a lie. I can still very easily judge you. And my judgment is that you’re basically a man in coulots, which is reprehensible.
      Shorts were invented in 1921, when early non-Polynesian surfer and clothing designer Reginald “The Surfing Mustache” Buchanan was attacked by a bullshark off the coast of Malibu.
      The shark attack left his legs amputated from the knees down.
      At the hospital, several of his friends including Peter “Quicksilver” Peterson and Ron “Ron” John tried to console him. Many offered prayers and wishes. His closest friend however, named Gene Oshkosh, was notorious among Reginald’s entourage for being just absolutely horrible when trying provide sincere condolences to anyone.
      He meant well, but it always came out wrong.
      When it was Gene’s turn to offer up some words of sympathy or encouragement to Reginald who’d, by this time finally calmed down from hysterics, all Gene could think to say was, “Sorry to hear about your legs. Hey, at least you invented some kind of men’s short-pants. Am I right?”
      His attempt at lightening the mood was an utter failure, a fact made apparent to Gene as the nurses ushered him out of the room after Reginald had once again burst into tears.
      The shorts lived on, however, even if the bottom of Reginald “The Surfing Mustache” Buchanan’s legs did not.
      For 50 years, the shorts where only used by professional basketball players, often at lengths that could be described as “homoeroticly short.”
      Then, in the 70’s as the baby boom population was beginning to reach fatherhood, shorts started to achieve incredible popularity, particularly during the summer.
      This, of course, much to my personal dismay.

                                                         Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                         Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Vote of No-Confidence

2007-06-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I have been closely following this Alberto Gonzales investigation. Today, the Senate was going to hold a “vote of no-confidence” on Gonazles. What the hell does that mean? I have never heard of such a thing before. Is it new?

                                                         Jason in Macon, GA
Dear Jason,

      A “vote of no-confidence” is when a group of people or elected officials, in this case the Senate, hold a vote to publicly decide whether or not they believe a person is capable of doing their job properly.
      While one could argue that there is no real consequence to being the subject of a vote of no-confidence, I would say your life is pretty much over after you've been publicly denounced by the most morally upstanding citizens in the world, United States Senators.
      The vote of no-confidence is nothing new. Our country is essentially built on our insatiable need to point out to people why they are not as good as us. Public condemnation of idiots is part of the American tradition.
      In 1818, the US Senate held the first vote of no-confidence on the President, but it was merely an empty gesture. The motion was defeated by a vote of 99-1, the single vote of support coming from Senator Eligius Fromentin, the Democratic-Republican from Louisiana, who felt that President James Madison had simply been in office too long.
      During his apology, Fromentin announced that indeed, James Madison would have been in office too long had he not finished his term a year earlier and been replaced by James Monroe, another man with an unfortunately similar name. While it's, undeniably, easy for the average person to mix up the two presidents, it's sort of a faux pas if you are a Senator. In the end, the Senate decided to hold a vote of no-confidence in Senator Fromentin due to his senile performance in the first vote of no-confidence.
      Normally, the vote of no-confidence is confined to our nation’s major legislative bodies, which is lucky for you. Imagine if all of your neighbors came by your place of business and decided to take a vote on whether or not you suck at your job.
      I have myself, though, once offered a vote in support of a vote of no-confidence. I was in the majority along with a number of other people. Our reasons were clear: incompetence, stubbornness, and a general lack of cognizant leadership.
      It was a very awkward day for my father. To have a public vote of no-confidence held by his immediate family and to have it supported by a vote of 4-1 must have been quite embarrassing, especially with it occurring during our family vacation to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
      My father was a good man. He was simply a poor navigator and my siblings and I needed to make it publicly clear that we had no confidence in his ability to read a map and adequately helm our Oldsmobile.

                                                         Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                         Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Failed Sitcom Scripts

2007-06-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I know you are a professor and not an entertainer, but I am a sitcom writer whose just had his fifth script turned down by a major network. Do all famous sitcom writers go through this long process of rejection?

                                                                             Leif in Sioux Falls, SD

Dear Leif,

      Let me tell you a little story about a very smart and talented man I know.
      Many years ago, when TV sitcoms were just hitting the big time with the success of pioneers like Lucille Ball, this man decided that he wanted to be a big time writer for one of those sitcoms one day.
      So he started writing. His first drafts were too complicated for his peers, what with the characters snappy, realistic dialogue about existentialism and constant cigarette smoking, the kind of stuff his fellow 5th graders never appreciated.
      For years, he toiled, finally completing that first script seven years later, by which time it had morphed into a workplace comedy at the Federal Reserve. Unfortunately, it was rejected by the studios.
      He then began a career in education and started writing new sitcoms aimed at informing the uneducated.
      His first two attempts were historical comedies about the Ming Dynasty and the Spanish Inquisition, respectively. Then, an adaptation of Moby Dick. Each was met with little enthusiasm.
      In the late seventies, this man wrote the first sitcom to educate the world about global warming. He called it, Day-yum, It Hot in this Motha, hoping to capitalize on the growing popularity of urban culture. This man was one of the first people to even mention global warming long before it became as politicized as it is now. Though he based his theory not on a mountain of scientific evidence but simply on the succession of a number of very hot summers and his sneaking suspicion that the sun was growing. Again, he was rejected.
      In the 1980’s, he wrote an animated sitcom, predating The Simpsons, to help teach young people about the reproductive system, an area in which he had always himself been quite curious.
      Though it took him several years to come up with a pen name that would allow him to again contact literary agents whilst circumventing numerous orders of restraint, he never gave up and that sitcom about reproduction eventually became…you guessed it! Everybody Loves Raymond.
      As you may have figured out by now, this man was not me, but a gentleman named Lester Maddox whom I was forced to sit next to on a transatlantic flight and who insisted upon telling me his entire life story rather than simply allowing me to sit and peacefully read my collected writings of Mao Tse-tung.
      My point is, there’s certainly hope for your failing career, though I suggest you drop the struggling writer shtick and get a real job.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

"He or She", "S/he", or "They"

2007-05-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I am trying to write this English paper and I am having serious problems figuring out whether to write ‘he or she’, ‘s/he’, or ‘they’. Pronouns are soooooo confusing.

                                                                             -Kristie in Torrence, CA
Dear Kristie,

      When reading your letter, I was very much on board with you for that first sentence. Appropriate pronoun usage in our language can sometimes be a tricky thing.
      And then you lost me with your nearly delirious use of the letter ‘o’. It is a miracle that this email was not sent to me via text message accompanied by a bunch of punctuation representing idiotic facial expressions.
      Pronouns can be quite complicated, particularly concerning this rule, which has the unfortunate distinction of being marred by general ambiguity and the nonsensical hammer of political correctness. This problem is a huge salmagundi. (Salmagundi means mess, for those of you unfamiliar with 1920s vocabulary.)
      Earlier in this century, it was possible to just say “he” because as a culture we had an overt understanding that men are smarter and more important than women. This understanding has begun to be complicated by many women who profess its “inaccuracy.” I was quite happy with the old way, but modern feminism has really taken it’s toll on our language.
      In 2004, there was an agreement made by the Modern Language Association that just saying “he” is no longer acceptable. Here is my analysis of the alternatives, none of which have risen to total prominence:

      - “He or she”: This is just ugly to look at. Plus, you’re taking a pronoun and adding a conjunction and then another pronoun and calling the whole salmagundi a pronoun. It’s an additional five letters. That’s ludicrous. Almost as ludicrous as adding five additional o’s on the word ‘so’ just for emphasis. It’s far too long/dumb.

      - ‘S/he’: Frankly, that makes me frightened. What the hell is that? It reminds me of another word, my encounter with which I have often tried to burn from my memory. When this debate first began, I was phoned by the MLA and I suggested we use a new pronoun that I thought I had invented: ‘shemale.’ One of my teaching assistants at the time pointed out, correctly as I soon discovered, that, in fact, shemale was already a word that was being used, though in ‘other contexts.’       Being the good researcher that I am, I turned to Google for an answer to this.
      I…That day… Look, this was 20 minutes of my life that I am sure I will never forget nor recover from. If you don’t know what that word means please do the following:
      1) Set a video camera up on a tripod and face it towards you next to the computer. 2) Press record and go to Google and look up the world ‘shemale.’ 3) Since you won’t be eating a meal any time soon, get an envelope, take the video tape, and mail it to me so that I can add it to a montage I’m working on entitled “People’s Reactions When First Learning What the Word Shemale Means.”

      - ‘They’: This is the most ok for me, but the least correct because you are forcing the plural on something that is not a plural. I do not force things on unsuspecting, defenseless words and then pretend that they were “just asking for it.”

      As you can imagine, after the whole “shemale” salmagundi, I was quite hesitant to champion a new gender encompassing word for this purpose. But recently, I, after much thought and tinkering, have adopted a new term that I have been injecting into my scholarly research. Here is an sample sentence:
      “If you know someone who thinks Schopenhauer knew what he was talking about regarding metaphysics, tell hefemale to come find me so that I can slap some sense in to himfemale.”
      Catchy, succinct, and you won’t feel the need burn your eyes out with lye when you do a Google search for it.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Commencement Ceremonies

2007-05-21T22:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I just got back from my grandson’s college graduation and, boy, was it boring. I’m sure you’ve been to a few ceremonies yourself, what inspiring moments have you experienced first hand?

                                                                             Donna in Indianapolis, IN
Dear Donna,

      Congratulations on your grandson’s graduation. It was, I imagine, the second most proud you will ever be of him. (The first being when he publishes his first work of scholarly research or, if you have lesser standards, has a child.)
      Yes, I have seen and heard a number of incredible things at the, literally, hundreds of commencement ceremonies I’ve been forced to attend as both a receiver of advanced degrees and collegiate professor. I have heard generals, athletes, politicians, actors, CEOs, foreign leaders, and even the president of a chain of used car dealerships impart “words of wisdom” to the graduates of countless colleges. Here are the things that stuck out most in my mind about those commencement exercises:
      - It rained during 23 of them, and, unfortunately, during only 5 of those was I properly equipped with an umbrella. (For the record: I do not believe in ponchos. Only once have I been partially enclosed in a garbage bag and it is a situation in which I intend to never again find myself.)
      - I keep a small notebook with me for the sole purpose of counting the number of undergraduates I have seen slip and fall down the stairs after receiving a diploma. My current tally is 97. The academic in me wants to attribute this to the utter glee of receiving one’s first diploma, but the realist in me attributes this to cheap beer and a poorly instilled sense of moderation.
      - I have written 14 sets of lyrics to the tune of “Pomp and Circumstance”. Among them, this is my favorite:
“I hate stupid graduations.
I wish they were way short-er.
I hate stupid graduaaaaaaaations.
I’m certain these kids are drunk.”
      - On two occasions, I have worn every stole, cord, and cap that I have received during my long career in academics. Many people have asked why I would attempt this a second time if, during the first occasion, my humongous layering of attire caused the knocking over of two teleprompters, the upturn of a set of decorative plants, and a small fire. I tell them I would have tried it even more times had I not received a citation from a fire marshal.
      - I have seen a total of 17 fistfights occur. 15 inter-graduate. 2 inter-familial. None inter-racial, which is a miracle as I was present the year Cal Tech declared it would cease accepting non-Asian students.
      - I have been hit in the face 3 times by recklessly tossed mortarboards.
      - I have been shooshed 12 times for booing a student-athlete receiving a diploma.
      - I was, at four ceremonies, told to “please put out that cigarette.” Two of those scoldings was followed by a brief elitist speech about the dangers of tobacco smoke. One of those times was, ironically, during my receipt of a degree in pulmonary medicine.
      - I was only once told that “Audibly munching on Funions is undignified at a commencement ceremony.”
      - The best commencement address I heard included the phrase, “You take what you can get because life aint easy when a bird in the hand equals two in the bush” and was delivered by Patrick Kelly, the nation’s most distinguished publisher of cliché research.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Apologies

2007-05-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

Concerned friends,

      I apologize. My attentions this week have been diverted to nursing a leg injury I sustained during a nasty fall I suffered caused by a burst of anger directed at a new passage I discovered whilst simultaneously reading Marcel Proust's Remembrance of Things Past and descending a small flight of oak stairs. Do not be concerned. I have been issued a metal cane by my physician that is both a trusty aide and a vicious affront to good taste. I shall return with a new question this coming Monday.

                                                                             Best Regards,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Scientific Theories You Should Not Believe In

2007-05-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I was watching the Republican presidential debate last week and I noticed that 3 candidates raised their hands indicating they did not believe in evolution. You are a man of science, do you believe in evolution?

                                                                             -Jake in Detroit, MI
Dear Jake,

      I was quite proud to see the candidates stand up to the juggernaut that is the scientific establishment. The very cornerstone of their efforts to suppress dissenting opinions is the theory of evolution. Like the Republican candidates, I too do not believe in the theory of evolution. However, I do not believe in creationism either.
      I actually subscribe to a third theory, which is the theory of devolution, which states that we actually DEvolved from species of higher intelligence. It's incredibly complicated, and I will elaborate another time.
      The point I would like to make here, though, is that the theory of evolution is just that: a theory. The word theory has the exact same meaning in every field of knowledge: a complete guess. (read more here).
      Here are some other theories I do not subscribe to:
      The Aristotelian theory of gravity – anybody who's spent 20 seconds comparing Aristotles theory of gravity with Galileo's Ptolemaic Cosmological theory can plainly see that Aristotle was an idiot.
      The big bang theory – Come now. Let's apply common sense to this supposedly “complicated” theory about the universe. Have you ever blown anything up? In chemistry class, I once facilitated the exploding of several glass beakers in an attempt to impress a young woman. After the explosion, only some shattered glass was left, much less the beginnings of a universe.
      Irrelevantly, the young lass refused to accompany me on a date until many months later when my relentless advances had taken their toll and my eyebrows had fully grown back. Up until then, I had resorted to using a number of Loreal makeup products in an attempt to look normal again. Twas an effort that proved wholly unsuccessful as, most days, my lack of experience with an eyebrow pencil rendered me in either a constant state of anger or surprise.
      Theory of Dinosaurs – Obviously, I am not referring to the historic existence of dinosaurs (that debate was settled three or four years ago). No, I am, of course, referring to the widespread theory that the short-lived sit-com “Dinosaurs” was a good television show. This program was terrible.
      I mean, the father was a megalosaur, the wife was an allosaur, the daughter was a triceratops, the son was a tyrannosaur, and who knows what the hell that baby was supposed to be. Some kind of screwed up archeopteryx maybe.
      That would be like if you were Hispanic and your wife was a gorilla and your son was an orangutan and your daughter was a baboon. And then your baby was a butterball turkey that never shut up.
      The whole thing never sat well with me.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

That "Make It Rain" Rap Song

2007-04-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      My 13 year old daughter loves the song “Make it Rain” by a boy named “Lil' Wayne” and another gentleman going by the moniker “Fat Joe.” I would like to tell her to not listen to this song because of it's offensive nature, but frankly I have no idea what they are “singing” about. They could be talking about sunshine and lollipops for all I know. Is this an area of your expertise?

                                                                             -Sandra from Milwaukee, WI
Dear Sandra,

      Indeed, I do consider this an area of expertise as I hold a degree of Urban Studies obtained from the University of Cleveland with a special emphasis in modern hip-hop.
      Before we begin, I have two corrections for your question.
      First of all, Mr. Wayne and Mr. Joe are not singing. They are doing something our children call “rapping” which is just talking quickly, sometimes with rhyming words.
      Second, resist the temptation to believe that “rapping” songs might be about something innocuous like sunshine or lollipops, because most of these songs are about far less innocuous things like drugs, sex, and large hubcaps. Comparing Mr. “Lil” Wayne and Mr. “Fat” Joe to Leslie Gore, singer of “Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows,” is like comparing Joe Francis, creator of Girls Gone Wild, to corny film director Frank Capra.
      Using the neo-textual analysis I developed at U of Cleveland, I have created this partial translation of the song “Make it Rain” with the original lyrics in italics.

[Lil Wayne]
Yeah I'm in this business of terror
I'm doing this as part of a financial arrangement with hip-hop corporation “Terror Squad”
Got a handful of stacks, better grab an umbrella
I have a large quantity of cash and you should preemptively take out an umbrella
I make it rain (I make it rain)
I will throw legal tender into the air for the purpose of publicly flaunting my wealth
I make it rain on them hoes
Particularly, I will toss money at women whom I consider to be of ill-repute

[Fat Joe]
You hear the Echo, man I seen the best go, you seen how that metal
Heed my repeated warnings because, in the past, others of high standing have not
I'm a hustla's hustla, a pusher's pusher
Of con-artists, I am the best and I am also the best drug dealer
You a busta a custerma, I get you some cooka
If you have a significant amount of disposable income, I can provide high quality narcotics
Yea crack is a chemist, I pack a 11
Smokable cocaine is available in quantities
I mack in a 7, I'll clap at your reverend
(Your guess is as good as mine here but I imagine this has little to do with applauding clergymen)
I see you in NY, I'll send you an invite
I will inform you when I return to New York City
You gon need you a pass, that's the code that we live by
There will probably be a password necessary to visit the club we socialize at because so much illegal activity will be transpiring

[Fat Joe]
Oww clap clap clap gotta make that ass clap gotta make that ass clap
Please dance up and down so quickly that the cheeks of your rear end bounce against each other creating an audible noise

      Now, I don't want to say that your daughter regularly participates in any of the above described activities, but I'd err on the safe side and prohibit her from fraternizing with other young girls who condone this behavior, anyone with an entourage, and NFL defensive back Adam “Pac-Man” Jones.
      I'm glad to see you've taken the initiative here, for defending the ears of our young people is tough work. I additionally suggest you prohibit your daughter from exposure to any “music” produced by other “artists” with nicknames that include “lil,” “ice,” or “snoopy.”
      Best of luck.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Jokes That Are "Too Soon"

2007-04-24T02:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I just got back from a stand-up comedy show and the guy was telling jokes about Steve Irwin. Some idiot behind me kept saying “too soon." I've always wondered about the history of that phrase.

                                                                             -Tim in Houston, TX
Dear Tim,

      The “too soon” retort. This phrase, or variations on it, have been a part of the human experience since the very beginning of tasteless jokes.
      Anthropologists have uncovered some cave paintings from the last ice age where, it appears, someone made a humorous painting about a fellow caveman's mauling at the hands of a woolly mammoth only to have the painting smudged with water by an angry widow or friend who, it is believed, felt it was "too soon" to joke about such a thing.
      The earliest recorded instance (in the A.D.) occurred in 453, several minutes after Attila the Hun choked to death during a celebratory feast. In a poor attempt to lighten the mood, Jeffery the Hun shouted out “I'll have what he's having!” Delivering the “too soon” was Margaret the Hun, mistress of the deceased.
      The longest span between the event and a “too soon” situation occurred at a symposium on ancient Assyria, when professor Fredrick Pines from UW-Milwaukee spoke of how King Sennacherib had been killed by two of his sons, Adramalech and Sharezer, adding humorously: “I guess he should have thought twice about sending them to their rooms.” After a pause, professor Alexander Meachum of Columbia University shouted: “Too soon.” After 2,688 years, Meachum had still not healed emotional wounds from Sennacherib's untimely death. Though, some speculate he just didn't understand how the "too soon" thing works.
      The shortest span occurred in New York city in 1929. As his business partner jumped out of a 61st story window on Black Friday, Harvey Weldton said to his secretary: “I guess he should have invested in a parachute!” The secretary replied: “Too soon.” Technically, this “too soon” joke occurred within -1 seconds of his partner's death.
      Some people may ask, how long is “not too soon” enough. I have made this handy chart that I refer to when preparing jokes for various functions.

- The corpse is visible from where you are standing: Too soon.
- Wreckage has not completely been removed from the site of the accident: Too soon.
- The deceased person's television show has not finished airing it's episodes filmed beforehand: Too soon.
- The trial of the suspected murderer has not yet reached the appeals process: Too soon.
- The appeals process has begun, but you are the one being prosecuted: Too soon.
- Somewhere they are still printing t-shirts with the name of the particular disaster you're joking about followed by the words “relief volunteer”: Too soon.
- It is one hour or more following the death of the person who married a rich elderly man for his oil fortune, had an obnoxious television show, and appeared at multiple public events severely intoxicated: Ok.

      Sorry, that was all a little morbid, but it needed to be said.
      As an aside, a friend of mine once told me he heard a woman shout “too soon” after a male comedian used the phrase “too soon” in a joke. My friend jokingly said, “It was too soon for his too soon joke.” I said, “I suppose that just makes him early.” Wow. As you can imagine, that one gave me quite a chuckle.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

How to Write a Cover Letter without Sounding Like A Jerk

2007-04-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I want a new job. How do you write a good cover letter without sounding like a dick. Thanks.

                                                                             -Sergio in Newton, MA
Dear Sergio,

      I think I have been clear that this is not an advice column. This is a resource for factual information. I will, however, answer your question this time, because year after year I see my students struggling with this.
      So here is how to write a cover letter .... without, as you so “eloquently” put it, sounding like a “dick”:
      Most career advisers will suggest a simple three paragraph formula for cover letters. These people are idiots. I've found, the most effective formula contains five paragraphs.
      Immediately, you want to make a strong, positive impression on your potential employer. So don't waste time with formalities, right off the bat state your greatest personal characteristic. To balance that out, back it up with a negative characteristic. Then state the position for which you are applying. Here is an example from an old cover letter of mine (this was before I gained international renown and companies began soliciting me to fill their vacant positions):
“Dear Sir or Madam:
      I wish to inform you that I have a staggeringly high IQ. But you should know that, in everything I do, I also have the tendency to strive almost too hard to attain a mythical level of greatness. This is why I must recommend myself for the position of evening cashier.”
      See what I did? I started out with a bang and then brought everyone back down to earth with a character flaw I struggled to identify about myself. Then, I explained that I would be good at ringing up produce after 5pm.
      In paragraph two, it's time for business. Gain credence by listing all post-graduate degrees you've attained, spilling on to a second page if necessary.
      In paragraph three, write a vivid description of any performed feats of physical strength. Here's another example from an old cover letter I dug up:
      “I have, on two occasions, lifted the front end of a sedan style automobile to a height of seven inches above the driveway. Additionally, once, while accompanying a children's tour group through Yellowstone national park, I was forced to subdue a wild boar who had made an aggressive stance towards a young girl. Knowledge of her safety allowed me to disregard the lacerations I incurred wrestling the beast and the screaming of the children.”
      In paragraph four, reassure the reader that you are not rude or egotistical. Provide a story illustrating a time when could have been a jerk in the workplace but, instead, were polite. (This is where you verify that you are not “a dick.”) My example:
      “Once, I bumped into a female coworker in a very indecent manner. She was attractive. Rather than stating one of the brash comments that came to mind, I instead offered to at least buy her dinner the next time.”
      In the final paragraph, tell the person how they can reach you and list any items you've included with your resume, which, in my case, was a recent photo, a resume, a certification of having achieved the rank of green belt in Aikido, a list of books I've read, and a photocopy of my bicep.
      Other advice: Don't pander. Don't talk about past conquests of women. Never assume the gender or race of the person reading the cover letter. Do NOT allude to any lessons learned during time you spent in a correctional facility. Do use wingdings. Do not use stickers.
      Good luck on the job hunt, Sergio.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

The Flinstones

2007-04-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I grew up an avid fan of The Flinstones. I was always particularly intrigued by the way Fred would use his feet to stop the speeding car in the opening credits, but I recently tried this with an old Ford I found at a junkyard that was missing it’s floor and, not only did it not work, but it also destroyed a pair of Airwalks and nearly killed some pedestrians. What gives?

                                                                             Todd in Glascow, TX
Dear Todd,

      I too grew up a big fan of The Flinstones and, like you and most of America, took the content of the show to be a matter of historical fact. But as grown-up, intelligent individual with several advanced degrees, I can say for certain that there’s no way a real-life Fred Flinstone would have been able to stop a moving car by simply planting his feet on the ground. The frequency with which Fred performed this maneuver would have caused severe damage to the soles of his feet leading to many things, but with a “gay old time” not being among them.
      I suppose if one assumed the writers had interpreted the prehistoric phrase “Yabadabadoo”—the word’s true definition lost millenniums ago—to mean “please call a doctor, I have severely damaged my feet and need emergency surgery to repair them,” then there would at least be an attempt at accuracy. I mean, anyone in Bedrock could easily track Fred home every day simply by following the long trail of blood, skin, and metatarsal fragments.
      Indeed, while doing intense research for my doctorate in prehistoric humanoid studies at Texas Christian University—a course of study I was unable to complete due to a frivolous “dispute” with Student Services regarding my “enrollment status” at that particular “university”—I discovered that many, if not all, the prehistorical suppositions made by the producers of The Flinstones are severely misguided.
      For example:
- Brontosauruses were not employed by humans as cranes in construction yards and quarries (They were mainly used for tree trimming and stoplight hanging).
- Saber-toothed tigers did not generally sneak into your home only to be thrown out the window (They mauled people).
- Prehistoric peoples did not go to drive-in movies. (The medium of film wasn’t invented until 1974.)
- When you pulled on a bird’s tail, it did not sound like a train horn. (It sounded like an angry bird that just had its tail pulled on by some idiot.)
      I hope that the next time you think about reenacting something you saw on The Flinstones, you yabadabadon’t! (You can thank a seminar I took on clever wordplay for that stroke of comedy genius.) Also, please stop sending me questions about the scientific accuracy of The Jetsons. It was a fictional cartoon about the future. Thank you.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Elderly in the Workforce

2007-04-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I was a big fan of your site, until I read last week's article. As an elderly person, I was shocked and appalled at your statement about how people like me shouldn't be in the workforce. I'm old and I'm still employed just fine. Shame on you, Dr. Plume. Shame on you.

                                                                             -Gerald in Portland, ME
Dear Gerald,

      Sorry to see that you are so disappointed in my stance on the decrepit sharing office space with energetic and productive employees. I received nearly 100 e-mails and even some stamped letters about that one line in last week's post. Well, here are just a few reasons why I recommend mandatory retirement for the elderly:
      Old people have to apply so many medicated cremes that their coworkers risk severe asphyxiation. Not to mention that most older women still use perfumes from the middle of the last century containing numerous chemicals now banned by the FDA.
      Most young employees take it for granted that they grew up in a technologically advanced generation. When most of these older employees were growing up, they didn't even have Windows XP. Often, they would have to save their rudimentary data on something called a “floppy disk” that, as I understand, actually was floppy.
      Companies are at constant risk of legal action should an old employee suffer a serious injury while performing simple tasks like changing an ink cartridge (If they even know what that is). Many opponents of mine shout two words at me: “bionic limbs.” Yeah, well, since those won't be available to the public for at least 10 more years, I hardly find that a suitable solution.
      Modern business language has changed so drastically that older employees regularly confuse youthful coworkers with nonsensical phrases like: “Confound it! I can't concentrate with all that hullabaloo and jungle music!” or “Anyone want to stop off with me at the filling station for some bric-a-brac and a sarsaparilla?”
      Really, there are only a few careers where the hiring of older employees is acceptable: professional tellers of long pointless stories, coupon designers, very low impact aerobics instructors, and representatives from professional craps player associations.
      Some of my opponents argue that I'm “unfair” because many older people nowadays don't have the finances to retire. In my industry, this argument is called “proving my point for me.” If you've proven you can't plan for your own retirement, how can you be trusted to plan anything for another person's business? You can't.
      In fact, Gerald, when I reach old age in the near future, I would invite you to personally to come to my office and escort me out of the building.
      “Let's go! Remember what you said?!” you would yell. I would remember and I would reply, “Fine, but get your smelly, old-man hands off of me!” A scuffle would ensue in which, thanks to our old age, we would both suffer serious injuries to our hips. Luckily, I would just replace my hip with a bionic one and return briefly to my office to collect all 17 Nobel prizes I will have collected by that time.
      So bring it on Gerald! Also, you should quit your current job for the above reasons.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Button Down Shirts

2007-03-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      Why do men's & women's shirts, coats, etc. button on opposite sides? For example my shirts have the buttons on the right side & the holes on the left. My wife's shirts however are opposite. It seems to be the same with the zippers on coats also. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY?!?!?!?!!!??!!!!!!

                                                                             -Morris in Omaha, NE
Dear Morris,

      I sense a great deal of frustration from you about this topic. There is only one circumstance that could have resulted in this type of anger and I most certainly empathize with you.
      Once, I received an invitation to speak on a panel at Columbia University. Naturally, not wanting to look a fool in front of a stylish New York crowd, I picked up a new button down shirt to wear for the occasion. Midway through my introduction, a young city punk shouted something to the effect of, “You're wearing a woman's shirt!”
      I leaned towards a fellow panelist who explained that because the buttons were on opposite side of the shirt, I was technically wearing a women's blouse. Imagine my embarrassment. To this day, that was the last time I shopped at the store Forever 21, an establishment I was initially drawn to by my enthusiasm for blackjack.
      Ultimately, to my relief, this faux pas was overlooked by the mob, who instead seemed to direct far more shouting at my actual lecture, which was titled: “Elderly People Do Not Belong in the Workplace.”
      On to your question. Finally my degree from West Virginia University comes in handy. While a student there, I was put under great pressure by my advisor to pursue, against my better judgment, a B.S. In Textile Management and Application Theory. For nearly 30 years, I have wondered when his knowledge would be put to use beyond pestering clothing retailers in the mall. (In addition to multiple distinguished degrees and certificates, I can add to my list of distinctions a security escort out of two Banana Republics and one Hollister after tirades about the “chino.”)
      The button was invented in Spain in the 1200s and the button down shirt was a project commissioned by the ruler of Spain, who realized that the button could be used to keep shirts better closed than what most people were using at the time (string, staples, glue).
      Two clothing designers rose to the occasion, Bendito Benitez and Fernando Venezuela (no relation to the country).
      When presented with the men's prototypes to add to the ruler's royal wardrobe, the ruler of Spain asked why Fernando had put the buttons on the opposite side. The quick thinking Fernando, trying to earn brownie points, said: “I put the buttons on the right side because this how a man's shirt is supposed to be.”
      Unfortunately, this seemingly clever ploy backfired on him, when her majesty, the Queen of Spain, took this to mean that Fernando thought she looked like a man. (The queen had been sensitive about this since her youth due to a severe unibrow).
      Fernando was hung and men's shirts continued to have buttons on the right for centuries. And that's for the love of god why.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Air Conditioner

2007-03-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      Did Thomas Jefferson or Thomas Edison invent the air conditioner? Me and my cousin have a bet about it.

                                                                             -Rory in Topeka, KS
Dear Rory,

      I think what happened here is that someone got some names confused. I believe you or your cousin—you did not specify which of the two men you selected—mixed up Thomas Jefferson with Benjamin Franklin (a common mistake in my experience).
      Ah yes, the age old debate: Ben Franklin or Thomas Edison? Who truly invented the air conditioner? Well, let me settle this once and for all. It was Thomas Edison.
      In 1742, while Thomas Edison was working on the first draft of an ultimately doomed Articles of Confederation, he and Lewis and Clark got into a heated debate about whether or not it was possible to cool down the entire house simply by opening up the refrigerator for a long time (Sacajawea had introduced the famous explorers to “smokable herbs” during their much publicized adventure, which explains this unorthodox logic).
      Of course, upon trying out this refrigerator hypothesis, their grand experiment failed and several jars of milk were rendered undrinkable. Edison decided to up the ante and, with government funds, purchased 50 more refrigerators in an even more extravagant attempt to refrigerate his home.
      Well, congress got pretty upset when they found out, because that money was originally earmarked to cure polio. A national bank had yet to be set up and the new government's entire budget was kept in a shoe box under George Washington's bed. In 1743, Edison left the Articles of Confederation to pursue this “air conditioner” invention and, two months later, Lewis and Clark were removed from the project when, having been asked to submit the most recent draft of the Articles, they accidentally turned in a grocery list of 18th century snack foods.
      Ben Franklin did invent a lot of things, though, including bifocals, the glass harmonica, the catheter, origami, felt, calypso music, and the expression, “Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.” Thomas Jefferson didn't invent anything except the $2 bill and UVA, two things I could frankly do without. But those are stories for another day. I hope you won the bet, Rory.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

A Jellyfish Sting

2007-03-12T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I have just received a terrible terrible jellyfish sting. I'm trying to avoid steep medical expenses, like going to the hospital. Do you know any good remedies for jellyfish stings? Not to rush you, but I may pass out soon, so a quick reply would be much appreciated.

                                                                             -Steven in Daytona, FL
Dear Steven,

      I rushed back from a class I was teaching at the local community college when I received your email on my blackberry. Although, since this won't be posted until Monday, my hasty return may have been for naught.
      Before I can help you, we must estimate whether you were attacked by a common jellyfish or by a Portuguese Man-o-war. There are three easy ways to determine this:

- Was the Jellyfish/Man-o-war talking in a language that sounded like Spanish, but was not quite Spanish? Kind of a more mumbling version of Spanish?
- Before the attack, did the jellyfish/Man-o-war abruptly seem to take up a noticeably elitist attitude at the mere mention of Brazil?
- Did the Jellyfish/Man-o-war have any foreign currency or carry any identification suggesting citizenship in the country of Portugal?

      Once you've determined the species, just follow these simple steps:

1. Get out of the water.
2. For Jellyfish – Spread peanut butter all over the inflamed area. This will neutralize the poisonous jelly of the jelly-fish. For serious stings, add fluff as a natural antiseptic.
For Man-o-war - Pour any Goya product all over the area. Preferably a liquid, but black beans will work too.
3. Do not run, walk, stand, skip, sit, or lay for at least two days.
4. You may wish to file a police report after the attack, but don't get frustrated and shout, “They all look the same!” You will look like a bigot.
5. If you were stung by a Man-o-war, you may, for a period of three weeks, feel a strange temptation to cheer for sports player Luis Figo. Resist this temptation. He's sort of over the hill now and you will have both a sore injury and a general feeling of disappointment.

      I'm glad I could be of help. I guess the price of visiting a hospital in this country has gotten pretty out of hand when you have to turn to the internet for matters like these. Good luck with your wounds.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Gender Changing Frogs

2007-03-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume

      I recently read this news article, from the Agence France-Presse, claiming that some frogs have actually changed genders after being exposed to air pollutants. Is it possible for this to happen to humans too?!?!?!

                                                                             -Gary in Seattle, WA
Dear Gary,

      While I did take a number of courses about punctuation usage and have edited two books solely about this symbol: ~, I was thoroughly stumped trying to gauge the exact emotion of your question via your overeager usage of the question mark and exclamation point.
      Are you excited about the prospect of having your gender changed by pollutants? Are you eager to avoid the monetary expenses of having a procedure performed surgically if there is a possibility you can just go stand in a field near some toxic refinery?
      Or does the idea frighten you? Are you terrified that you will return from a long day of fishing in a factory run-off and you'll find that your genitalia has been inverted?
      While neither interpretation has any bearing on my answer, I feel I have a professional obligation to get to the bottom of this. If you are happy about this potential gender reassignment, I must completely support you because of the honorary degree I received from Mount Holyoke College. But I must simultaneously condemn your decision as per the conditions of my honorary degree from Bob Jones University.
      This whole frog situation should not be news to anyone. Androgynous frogs were a central part of the plot in Jurassic Park. Michael Crichton, author of the book based on the movie, explains how frog DNA allowed the dinosaurs to change gender and run amok. Although, anyone with half a brain could see that “amok” behavior was inevitable with an island populated entirely by females. “Good luck with that!” I sarcastically shouted upon learning this fact in the first few minutes of the film, much to the displeasure of the lesbian couple seated to my left.
      After the film, I learned the couple were newlyweds. Again, my dual degree situation became a source of confusion as I was professionally obliged to both congratulate them and then denounce their “lifestyle of sin.”
      I would not get too excited (or alarmed) because this phenomenon is limited to amphibians and there is zero scientific evidence of another species undergoing gender metamorphosis.
      (I recall reading an article once about a pair of giraffes who had mysteriously changed genders in a St. Louis area zoo, but my suspicions proved correct when it was revealed that the zookeeper in charge of examining each animal's gender was, at best, a highly underqualified zoologist or, at worst, an incredible idiot. Or perhaps he or she was just very short.)
      So don't worry about it. Only amphibians need to worry. And, for the most part, they don't have access to Agence France-Presse news articles. They also engage in external fertilization, which in the words of my cousin, Elvis Plume, “sucks for them.”
      Good luck with the procedure, Gary. Or...good luck with your continuing satisfied life as a man.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Toast Around the World

2007-02-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I really like butter on toast. Do the girls in other countries that are not America also like to put butter on their toast?

                                                                             -Liz in Champagne, IL
Dear Liz,

      It's rare that I receive breakfast-related questions. This probably has something to do with most people realizing that, given the opportunity to ask one of the most knowledgeable scholars in the country a question, they should probably ask about something of importance and not about toppings for cooked bread.
      I have created a list for you outlining some countries I have visited where I have taken note of the spreads commonly used on toast by young girls.

Canada: Margarine – They prefer the taste of butter, but more so enjoy knowing they are eating more healthily than the average American.
France: Syrup – They love syrup on French toast. Sometimes they will also use Bleu Cheese. Not for taste, but because they just love to say "bleu" over and over.
Germany: Gelvei – A combination of mustard and smaller, weaker Germans.
Italy: Mozzarella – Italian girls will take any opportunity to turn something they're eating into a pizza. I once saw an orphan girl put cheese and sauce on and eat a donated copy of Dennis Rodman's autobiography, Bad as I Wanna Be.
Australia: Vegemite – No one in Australia had heard of Vegamite until it was made famous by the song “Land Down Under” by Men at Work. Now, they can't get enough.
Denmark: Nothing – They don't eat toast in Denmark, obviously. They eat Danishes.
Brazil: Manteiga – Served primarily around Carnival, it is the ashes of burned rainforest.
Cuba: Mantequilla – One of the crippling sanctions placed by the US has been a restriction on butter imports. So instead they use a liquid called “mantequilla,” made from the frustrated dreams of talented young baseball players who'll never play in America.
Russia: Maslo – A bland white substance that is basically just vodka and snow.
Korea: Ha! – Young girls in this country are too busy for toast. They're all either studying to become scientists or training in a Winter Olympic event.

      The list goes on, but that should be enough. Keep those intellectually stimulating queries coming my way, Liz.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

New York iPod Law

2007-02-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dr. Plume,

      I read recently that New York City wants to require people to remove iPod headphones while crossing at a crosswalk. Is there any scientific basis for such a law?

                                                                             -Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious,

      I noticed you have decided to remain anonymous here. You certainly have selected an appropriate psuedonym, because it's been my experience that most things in Connecticut ARE curious. (And I mean that in the sense of “strange” and not “inquisitive”. It's a homonym.)
      I, too, read about this recent piece of potential legislation and have found that there is little scientific precedent for it. After a number of elaborate experiments, I have discovered that iPods do not impair your vision at all. And vision, I decided, is the primary sense involved in street crossing.
      Some may contest that they've seen an overweight friend race across a street towards the smell of a hot dog or a kinnish, but I try to avoid using fat people in my experiments.
      In one experiment, I commissioned the assistance of my cousin, Elvis Plume, whom I asked to cross a street 11 different times while listening to varying musical genres at multiple volumes. Only once did he fail to cross the street, but it was only because he wouldn't budge until I agreed to email him my mp3 of "Rhythm is a Dancer."
      There is some legal precedent for this proposed law, however. In 1895, a similar law was passed in the state of New York when a young woman named Rosemary Hollandaise was tragically struck and killed by a Wells Fargo wagon on Lexington Avenue in a rupture of woodchips, horseshoes, and low interest bonds. Witnesses say she didn't notice the wagon because was too busy listening to a song called “Start the Horseless Carriage” on her phonograph.
      Thus, the state of New York banned residents from crossing the street while listening to a phonograph, although I think this had more to do with how distracting it is to carry an object of such girth as a phonograph and less to do with how distracting it was for Rosemary to be listening and, presumably, singing along to “Start the Horseless Carriage,” an extremely catchy tune by no stretch of the imagination. Particularly the version she was listening to at the time, which was chock full of lascivious discussion of inappropriate things like “kissing” and “necks.”
      In the 21s Century, this song would be rerecorded by R. Kelly under the title “Ignition.”
      All in all, I do not find scientific precedent for this newly proposed law, but do find legal standing for it. If this new law bothers you, feel free to stay in Connecticut where you can avoid such laws and continue to be "curious" (weird) just like the rest of your state.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Odd Astronaut Behavior

2007-02-12T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      I recently read this news story about a female astronaut who was arrested for attempted kidnapping. I thought it was especially weird that she wore diapers the whole drive. Why did this astronaut woman go crazy like that?

                                                                             Ryan in Norman, OK
Dear Ryan,

      During reentry, the extreme g-forces have an effect on the brain that our scientists cannot seem to explain. The stress on the synapses seems to stimulate of the link between adulthood and childhood causing astronauts to slowly revert back to their infancy. For example:
      John Glenn spent his entire post-flight physical inquiring about lollipops.
      Buzz Aldrin would only go to the beach dressed as the Coppertone girl.
      Kathryn Thorton was taken an astronaut-record 8 times to the hospital for swallowing Monopoly pieces.
      Neil Armstrong had his home constructed by Fisher-Price.
      The Apollo 9 crew refused to swim to a safety boat after their aquatic landing until someone tossed them a set of Water Wings.
      After James Lovell was arrested in a very troubling attempted breastfeeding incident, NASA began an aggressive new re-entry program to help astronauts better assimilate back into regular life. The principle is to counteract the infantile relapses using the opposite conditioning.
      Astronauts are fed a steady diet of prune juice, sugar-free soda, and metamucil. They are forced to go to sleep at 8 pm and awake at 6 am to wash their cars. During the night, they are forced to wake up and go to the bathroom seven or eight times. While awake, each astronaut must watch several episodes of Murder She Wrote, sit through a Hallmark Channel original movie, and read an entire large-print issue of Reader's Digest. Dinner is served at 4:30 and, throughout the meal, the soundtrack of the film Easter Parade, starring Judy Garland and Fred Astaire, is played on loop and the astronauts are encouraged to complain to each other about how “vegetables don't have the same taste anymore.”
      The astronauts are forced to take courses on needlepoint, proper coupon usage, and how to drive poorly. As a final exam, they must look at a photo array of their extended family and, for each person, decide which popular 1940's actor they resemble.
      So, I guess the moral is: don't become an astronaut. Even if you really like baby food and are looking for an excuse, it's far easier to just be a weirdo who buys a lot of baby food than to go through all the aeronautical training that becoming an astronaut requires.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Webbed Hands and Feet

2007-02-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dr. Plume,

      Is it possible for humans to have webbed hands and feet? I got to thinking about this after I watched Creature from the Black Lagoon, a highly underrated sci-fi movie.

                                                                             -Vince in Tuscon, AZ
Dear Vince,

      Having seen Creature from the Black Lagoon, I can confidently say that this film is quite appropriately rated. Especially if most people have rated it from “poor” to “shitty”.
      I am, however, glad you asked this question, because I have, for the past several years been engaged in a heated debate with my cousin that had originally arisen from another film. Elvis Plume—my aunt was a big fan of “the king” as well as a frequent substance abuser, hence my cousin's debacle of a name and his accompanying criminal record—has continued to assert that it is possible to have webbed hands and feet after seeing the film Waterworld, which has also been appropriately rated by the domestic and foreign press as “a piece of crap” (another claim Elvis refutes).
      It got rather embarrassing when, at a meet and greet following a screening of Open Range, Elvis approached Mr. Costner and asked him how he was able to hold the prop handguns seen in the film with his webbed hands.
      I had told Elvis 37 times beforehand that it's genetically impossible for humans to have webbed hands and feet because of natural selection. The last documented group of humans to have webbed hands and feet were a small tribe of amphibious Chileans. Actually, this particular tribe would later serve as the inspiration for scuba gear. It's all right there in Darwin's Origin of the Species.
      I mean, Elvis SHOOK his hand. His very not-webbed hand.
      I swear, I think I'm going to have to find some kind of Zoo Book to explain these facts of nature to my delinquent cousin.
      I'm not even certain we are of the same blood. Truth be told, Elvis did undergo a serious blood transfusion after surviving an attack during his tenure at a nearby penitentiary. Who knows who's blood that was. Perhaps a complete dunce decided to donate some of his dumb blood on the way to, you know, some unbearably brutish display of anti-intellectualism, like a monster truck rally or any opera performed in English.
      I should point out that some people have argued that having webbed feet is possible, claiming that they have webbed toes. It's my understanding that the scientific name for individuals like these is “liar.”

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

State of the Union Address

2007-01-29T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      The State of the Union was on this week. I was not a big fan of the guy who spoke, but everyone there seemed to like him, judging by the clapping. Who was the first person to give a State of the Union speech?

                                                                             Liza in San Bennedetto, SC
Dear Liza,

      That “guy” who gave the State of the Union was not a “guy” at all, he was the President of the United States. Every three years, the president walks from the White House—although sometimes he takes the subway—to the Supreme Court and, in front of congress, he delivers this speech explaining what's going on in the country.
      Most people think George Washington gave the first one, but he didn't. James Madison delivered the first State of the Union address.
      In the young government, communication between the executive and legislative branches was quite poor. (All communication in those days was pretty slow. Washington, DC didn't find out they'd won the state of Florida in the Spanish American War until almost 1930.)
      Congress regularly sent letters over to the White House to see what was up, but responses were never registered. So young congressman began slipping extremely inflammatory name-calling into the letters. Things like, “What's going on, James Madison...you dirty federalist.”
      Clearly, this did not sit well with Madison (who was very anti-federalist) and he decided to march over and give them a piece of his mind. While he was there, Congress asked him if they could get an update on the “state of the union.”
      Madison, realizing he could tell them anything without them double-checking, gave an impassioned speech fraught with lies. Delaware representatives seemed shocked to learn of Madison discovering the lost city of Atlantis and senators from Vermont were quite troubled by the president's battle with extra-terrestrials in Virginia.
      Madison pretty much made himself out to be something of a statesman/superhero.
      He concluded by saying, “No one will ever forget my presidency!”
      Everyone clapped, of course.
      It's particularly ironic because Madison is one of the most commonly forgotten Presidents. I, myself, can rarely remember that James Madison was president. So much so that, when I was working as a tour guide at the James Madison Presidential library, I had to be reprimanded several times for telling guests that Madison was famous for authoring crime-thriller novels. I later realized I was just mixing up the former president with writer James Patterson who has a similar sounding name.
      Who knew.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

The Funny Bone

2007-01-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Dr. Plume,

      How come the bone by your elbow is called a funny bone? I banged it earlier today and it was not very funny. I spilled a whole bowl of soup.

                                                                             Jenny in Valdosta, WA
Dear Jenny,

      Sorry to hear about the soup. I dropped a sandwich today, so I know where you’re coming from.
      I would argue, however, that you might have found your predicament more comedic had the injury resulted in, say, a stack of dried sausages falling on an elderly, kosher woman.
      The funny bone derives it's name from a failed 15th century Chinese fortune-clock maker. When the fortune cookie market soared after most people realized that it is far too elaborate to take apart an entire clock just to get a silly fortune and some lucky lottery numbers (not to mention that it’s a pretty difficult item to include with take out food), his business went belly up. To help pay the bills, he took up stand-up comedy using, as his claim to fame, a newspaper article declaring him the “Shanghai man who think not enough about idea beforehand.” Once he worked the kinks out of his act, he also became popular as the only 15th Century Chinese comedian who solely told jokes involving the bone on his elbow.
      For example:
      “What go quack when I hit it with this part of elbow? (points to elbow) My mother-in-law!”
      And
      “I tell you one thing I can’t stand, mother-in-law’s complaining! She sure is pain in this part of elbow! (points to elbow)”
      While these jokes are not very funny by today’s standards, they are hilarious in their original Cantonese. So naturally, he became very popular for this brand of humor and gradually this bone became named after him, the former fortune-clock maker: Fun-Yee.
      Over the course of generations, Fun-Yee just got bastardized into “funny”, hence funny bone. For the other doctors among you, I am, of course, speaking of the humerus bone. You may be tempted to read into the fact that “humerus” is almost the same word as humorous, but you shouldn’t because there’s actually several letters that have to be replaced and inserted for that to work.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

Information About Me and This Site

2007-01-01T18:00:00.000-05:00

Dear New Colleagues,

      Welcome to my new educational website. There are many websites published by so-called “experts” that provide information in a question-answer format. But most, if not all, of these “experts” are only “experts” in one or two fields. It is truly a shame that high academia representation on the Internet has been limited, so far, to these intellectual underachievers.
      In January 2007, I took a voluntary, semester-long sabbatical from my rigorous research and teaching schedule. With my free time, I decided that I should offer some of my real-life expertise, which expands to nearly all fields, for no cost on the web. Let me give you some examples of where my background lies:

- I have ghostwritten for hundreds, if not over one thousand, major works of fiction and nonfiction, including a number of books that have been featured on TIME Magazine's list of the 100 most influential books of the last century.
- I have acted as a consultant for 36 different Fortune 500 companies and am currently working with a top electronic manufacturer to develop a new handheld device that some experts say will change the way we live our daily lives. (I can't really talk about it, but I can say that it's not a phone, doesn't play music, has no video games, and doesn't take pictures or record video. Damnit, I probably gave it away).
- I have traveled to more countries than I can even count and served as special assistant to three different ambassadors.
- I hold earned and honorary degrees at nearly 100 different ACCREDITED universities across the United States and England.
- I have served as legal counsel or defendant in over 15 different civil and criminal judicial procedings.
- I have advanced to managerial level employment in 2 DIFFERENT corporate franchise luncheonettes.
- I have been the primary instructor for at least part of 10 semester long courses at the collegiate level.

      The list goes on. Although I am offering my services—which some institutes of higher learning have valued in the six-figure range—for free, I am attempting to supplement my income by teaching at a local community college and by posting some links provided by google on this site. Please feel encouraged to click them.
      If you have a question you would like to have potentially answered on the site, please email them to me with your name and city. Your questions may be rephrased for clarity or so completely rewritten as to resemble a totally different question. Don't send me anything stupid, or I will be forced to point out your ignorance publicly.
      I'm glad to have the opportunity to be working with you.

                                                                             Very Truly Yours Me,
                                                                             Dr. Douglas H. Plume*

P.S. Some people have described this site as "funny," "hilarious," "satirical," and even "comedic." These people insult me. I don't know what these people seem to find funny about history and fact, but I can assure you no comedy or satire is intended.